"Heaven Has Different Signs to Me"

Heaven Has Different Signs to Me – A Poem by Emily Dickinson

"Heaven" has different Signs—to me—

Sometimes, I think that Noon

Is but a symbol of the Place—

And when again, at Dawn,

A mighty look runs round the World

And settles in the Hills—

An Awe if it should be like that

Upon the Ignorance steals—

The Orchard, when the Sun is on—

The Triumph of the Birds

When they together Victory make—

Some Carnivals of Clouds—

The Rapture of a finished Day—

Returning to the West—

All these—remind us of the place

That Men call "paradise"—

Itself be fairer—we suppose—

But how Ourself, shall be

Adorned, for a Superior Grace—

Not yet, our eyes can see—

Pillow Dreams

 “You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

― Dr. Seuss – Author

Last week Lisa, a friend of mine, walked into a hospital gift shop with me.  She made a beeline directly to a set of four pillows titled "Its a Wonderful Life", "You are My Sunshine", "Home is where the Heart Is", and there is "No Place Like Home."  She picked up the "It's a Wonderful Life" pillow and hugged it close to her chest for what seemed like an eternity.  She didn't want to let go.  Finally, she put it back on the shelf and said "maybe I will come back for it later."  Her husband is an engineer who is not crazy about decorating with pillows.  The next day she was still talking about how much she loved that pillow.  Lisa is in her second marriage and I can clearly see how much her new husband adores her and her three children when they are together.  Even though she didn't "possess" the pillow, she felt her life with her new husband was wonderful.  Lisa has a special light of love and kindness about her.

A pillow symbolizes dreams and I loved the messages on pillows in the gift shop too.  All the words held a special meaning for me when I saw them and it is what I longed to experience last week in person.   My dream is to write about symbolism and synchronicity as reflected in God's grace at work in the world and to have a family.   Like Lisa, I can't let go of my dreams and I know these pillows are God's grace at work in the world even when my dreams are put back on the shelf.

The Level In the Garden

“A position on a real or imaginary scale of amount, quantity, extent, or quality.”

- Encyclopedia.com definition of level

In a very special garden I visited unexpectedly, I found a "level" attached to a board.  In the springtime the garden is full of beautiful pink peonies and I wondered why anyone would level such a beautiful garden.  I also noticed that the trumpet vine that had not bloomed in a long time had been cleared from the arbor.  Two years ago my friend and I talked about planting a garden in this spot, and I wondered if he was beginning to replant the garden.  I remember originally thinking the garden was too small for me.  But when I visited I was overcome by a sense of beauty and the peace of the property.  Although it was a hot day, the air felt cool as I sat in a swing under huge beautiful trees on farm property settled over a hundred years ago.

"Level" means many things depending on the context.  In engineering it means to measure true horizontal or relative heights.  In mathematics it means where a function takes on a given constant value.   In linguistics it means descriptions of abilities to communicate in a language.  In game playing it is a measurement of character development. It also means to level the playing field to give someone a fighting chance.  In computers it refers to algorithms used to determine positions.   Often level refers to a physical accomplishment or skill.

I had envisioned this special Garden as a symbol of the metaphysical manifested as God's love.  But God's Garden is not a level in a game.  Too many people, including me, often think of life as a game where we strategize based on levels.  This is what gets us in trouble.  We can look at situations in more than one perspective based on symbols, but there is only one truth.  

We need to look to God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit as documented in God's Word as the source of light and direction.  Not a man made strategy, which is never eternal.  As I move forward with my life, the level on this board in my special Garden will always remind me of this lesson.

Renoirs in the Waiting Room

"These things won't happen right away.  Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.  If it seems slow, do not despair, for these will surely come pass.  Just be patient!  They will not be overdue a single day!"  Habakkuk 2:3 (TLB)

Twenty-five years ago, Pierre-Auguste Renoir was one of my favorite artists.  I loved the richness of his colors - reds, blues, greens and yellow.  His scenes of Parisians in the late 19th century were joyous and full of life.   Renoir captured humanity in all its beauty and it was what I envisioned for my life.

In my early thirties after I was first diagnosed with bipolar illness, I sat in the waiting room of my psychiatrist's office and noticed that all the framed prints adorning his walls were of Parisians and their colorful countryside.  When I entered the diagnostic room I saw all the framed pictures were bland and uninspiring.  I mentioned the difference to my psychiatrist, who replied "all the paintings in my waiting room are Renoir's."  I had just framed a print of Renoir's  Two Sisters on a Terrace which had a special meaning to me and gifted it to Hogan Street, an old school building in which the Missouri Division of Youth Services housed their worst juvenile delinquents.  Hogan Street used to be dark, dirty and falling apart and the State had just finished renovating the building.  DYS placed my carefully framed and matted Renoir in the new library with all its books.  I wondered out loud to my psychiatrist, "Was there a connection?"  He just smiled.

Today's sermon by our Pastor was titled "Learning to Wait On The Lord."  I had been thinking about the Renoir on the drive to church and what it had meant to me and how my life had unfolded since then.  Recently I have been working hard on practicing patience.  When I think of my dreams I had in my early thirties combined with the challenge of learning to "reframe" my mental illness in order to manage my thoughts, as well as my lack of spiritual and life experience, I know now it was not time.   I was not ready.

Now that I'm in my fifties there is a gratitude for my blessings and how many people helped me on my life's journey to grow with God, but there have been moments of despair and sadness. I think that many of us faced with illness, losses, and challenges wonder why it takes God so long if ever to grant our wishes and alleviate our suffering.  I understand Muslims believe that God either grants our wishes in our lifetime, replaces them with better ones or grants them all to us in heaven.   I believe this to be true.  

My friend, Pat, who counseled me in my thirties said to me in all her wisdom when I talked of my dreams of love and processing messages, that maybe "I was rehearsing for when it really counts."   God wants us to dream, believe, and create, but most of all to grow in spirit with The Lord. 

Our Pastor is wise in saying that we need to wait "with great expectations, wait with integrity, and wait with confidence."  Our Pastor’s sermon resonated with me because it was true that life experience teaches us that "God may be slow, but he is always on time."  And his answer is always better than we can dream of, whether on earth or in heaven.   "There are Renoirs in the Waiting Room."

"The Ideal"

“The human soul has still greater need of the ideal than of the real.  It is by the real that we exist; it is by the ideal that we live.”

-       Victor Hugo – French Author and Poet

Last Friday night as I sat in the upper deck of Busch Stadium watching a Cardinal baseball game, I experienced "the Ideal.”  The Cardinals are beloved by their fans and many believe the Cardinals are the best team in baseball.   It is not just because of the Cardinals' winning records and trips to the playoffs and the World Series, but because in our minds, they represent what is the best of baseball, "the Ideal."  For a few hours at a Cardinal game we recognize the ideals of God, county, a perfect field of emerald green grass, scoreboards lit up in the night, inspirational music, and the perseverance and sportsmanship of the players.

As I sat in the upper deck of the stadium that night, I listened to a children's choir sing "God Bless America" followed by the National Anthem.  Each fan received a Whitey Garden gnome and during the break in one inning, a fan guessed the top three vegetables planted in a garden.  In the last inning, thunderous music played as our closing pitcher warmed up with lights flashing all over the stadium symbolizing "lights out" for the opposing team.   It was surreal and real at the same time -  "the Ideal."

Plato, the Greek philosopher wrote that what we experience with our senses on Earth, is merely a shadow of the real or 'Ideal."  Some may believe I am an idealist and that my visions are impossible, but I am reminded that there are other idealists who have experienced the real and the surreal and together, captured "the Ideal" for the rest of us in a beautiful night at a baseball game.