The Final Train Stop

“The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life.” Anonymous

Last December I lost a very important person in my life, my former father-in-law who I have known for thirty-three years.  Both Dad and Mom have been a constant support for me even though I divorced their son over twenty-five years ago.  We would periodically attend church together and then have lunch at Denny’s near their home.  As each of them battled illnesses and lost family members and I lost my parents and endured my own struggles, we remained close.  I could feel their mounting sadness, especially Mom's sadness, as they said good-bye to family members and beloved friends.  A few weeks before Dad’s death, Mom posted on Facebook a beautiful story about a train in which we are all passengers, never knowing when our final stop would arrive, and we would debark.  The story said the best we can do is to create loving and joyful memories for those we leave behind on the train when we depart. 

Mom and I exchanged texts the last days of Dad’s life. I knew he was letting go by her words and that Mom in her heart knew it was close to his time to depart the train.  But I knew she couldn’t imagine a life without him after sixty years of daily companionship.  On one of Dad’s last days, I texted in response to her words – “it is hard to let go,” my spoken acknowledgement of the unspoken.   A few days later I sent a photo of my cat sitting in my Christmas tree, titled “trouble in the tree.”  Late that night she texted, “I have trouble in my tree too, Jack passed away today.”

The day after Dad’s funeral, their youngest son only fifty-eight, suffered a sudden brain aneurysm and almost lost his life.  It has been several months since his life saving brain surgery and he is making progress.  Mom, who hasn’t had time to mourn Dad, has been supporting her daughter-in-law and son in the rehab center and in her home.  She told me she told her husband not to take her son too, because she could not bear the pain.  God answered her faithfulness and love with a miracle saving her son.  

We spend so much time holding onto our lost dreams and past lives, that we can’t let go and move on.  I told Mom this morning not to be afraid to cry - to express her emotions because that is part of letting go.  We need to mourn the visions of what could have been as well as what was in order to move forward.  Of course, there are losses for some of us, like Mom’s loss where the emptiness and pain will remain for years, an unexpected reminder bringing forth the tears again. I also told Mom that although her son may be forever changed, that God will open new doors for him as he has for me. 

Mom used to collect snowmen and teddy bears from garage sales and flea markets.  She was constantly giving me the teddy bears which I finally gave away years later, their purpose served.   A few years ago, she was going to throw out the last of her snowmen when I told her to give them to me.  This year I decorated my home office with them remembering her love and support.   I will forever remember the teddy bears and snowmen she gave to tell me not to give up my dreams of a family even after she could no longer hope for me.  As Dad and eventually Mom departs the train, they will have only created loving and supportive memories in this mortal existence for those they leave behind, especially in me.