The Final Train Stop

“The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life.” Anonymous

Last December I lost a very important person in my life, my former father-in-law who I have known for thirty-three years.  Both Dad and Mom have been a constant support for me even though I divorced their son over twenty-five years ago.  We would periodically attend church together and then have lunch at Denny’s near their home.  As each of them battled illnesses and lost family members and I lost my parents and endured my own struggles, we remained close.  I could feel their mounting sadness, especially Mom's sadness, as they said good-bye to family members and beloved friends.  A few weeks before Dad’s death, Mom posted on Facebook a beautiful story about a train in which we are all passengers, never knowing when our final stop would arrive, and we would debark.  The story said the best we can do is to create loving and joyful memories for those we leave behind on the train when we depart. 

Mom and I exchanged texts the last days of Dad’s life. I knew he was letting go by her words and that Mom in her heart knew it was close to his time to depart the train.  But I knew she couldn’t imagine a life without him after sixty years of daily companionship.  On one of Dad’s last days, I texted in response to her words – “it is hard to let go,” my spoken acknowledgement of the unspoken.   A few days later I sent a photo of my cat sitting in my Christmas tree, titled “trouble in the tree.”  Late that night she texted, “I have trouble in my tree too, Jack passed away today.”

The day after Dad’s funeral, their youngest son only fifty-eight, suffered a sudden brain aneurysm and almost lost his life.  It has been several months since his life saving brain surgery and he is making progress.  Mom, who hasn’t had time to mourn Dad, has been supporting her daughter-in-law and son in the rehab center and in her home.  She told me she told her husband not to take her son too, because she could not bear the pain.  God answered her faithfulness and love with a miracle saving her son.  

We spend so much time holding onto our lost dreams and past lives, that we can’t let go and move on.  I told Mom this morning not to be afraid to cry - to express her emotions because that is part of letting go.  We need to mourn the visions of what could have been as well as what was in order to move forward.  Of course, there are losses for some of us, like Mom’s loss where the emptiness and pain will remain for years, an unexpected reminder bringing forth the tears again. I also told Mom that although her son may be forever changed, that God will open new doors for him as he has for me. 

Mom used to collect snowmen and teddy bears from garage sales and flea markets.  She was constantly giving me the teddy bears which I finally gave away years later, their purpose served.   A few years ago, she was going to throw out the last of her snowmen when I told her to give them to me.  This year I decorated my home office with them remembering her love and support.   I will forever remember the teddy bears and snowmen she gave to tell me not to give up my dreams of a family even after she could no longer hope for me.  As Dad and eventually Mom departs the train, they will have only created loving and supportive memories in this mortal existence for those they leave behind, especially in me.   

  

A Driver and a Gardener

Drive – “propel or carry along by force in a specified direction.”

Garden – “a fertile and delightful spot or region.”

This morning in my Ignatian Spirituality group, the leader asked us to think about a time when we were overly attached or dependent on a situation, and then were hung out to dry.  In Ignatian Spirituality we are taught to practice discernment in our choices and detachment in the outcome. As someone who is a perfectionist who wants to control the outcome, this has been a hard lesson.  

I am a visionary and a mystic. I find it difficult to let go of a picture and focus on the path in front of me.  Upon reflection I now know I need to find a balance. I still visualize an outcome, but I am present in the moment knowing God’s plan in the end is always better than mine.  I have learned that asking questions and communicating an inspirational vision or feeling is my gift, letting others figure out the path or solution.

I have been torn in the last six years between two personal visions, not sure of my path or next steps.  I have tried to take both paths without fully choosing. As I contemplated the question I began to write, “My thoughts are of a garden.  A metaphysical spiritual place lost in centuries past.  Where flowers and grass grow naturally and unrestrained in an informal garden.”  I knew that I wanted to plan this garden and create a beautiful sacred valley seemingly untouched by time.  But another path also calls to me.  It is the path of sowing love and community and helping others to break open the mental and physical boxes that enclose us.  To do so through reflection, teaching and writing.  For a long time, I have been afraid to share my thoughts out loud, preferring to write after being severely punished for my creativity, ideas and gifts.  

In our group today we talked about the fear in our country, in some of our homes, and in our communities that prevent us from imagining a future for ourselves and our world.  Poverty can be a barrier, but even in poverty one can still dream.  However, violence and fear desolate and desecrates our imagination both as children and adults.  Evil and endless conflict destroys hope and faith that there can be a better future.  

Today I traded in my white Honda Civic for a cosmic blue Honda Insight Hybrid. My cars have always been a symbol for me.   I love the diversity of our humanity and I believe in the power of God and love.  Today I decided I am going to be a driver who inspires, and I am going to sow a garden in my community.  

Magis

The Jesuits use the term Magis, which means in Latin meaning "more" or "greater."  Some interpret Magis as meaning to accomplish or do more.  However, Magis is based on the other Jesuit Latin phrase “ad majorem Dei gloriam,” meaning "for the greater glory of God.”  Magis is to choose the action which gives the greatest glory to God.  

In reflecting I wondered if it is not about doing more, how do we determine what gives the greater glory to God?  My mind then wandered to contemplating humility.  Humility is defined as “a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.”  Then I thought, shouldn’t we have joy and awe of our individual and collective gifts?  But I had to acknowledge a gift is “a thing given willingly to someone without payment.”

To give the greater glory of God, means to use our unique gifts for the love of God a force greater than ourselves and also in service of humanity.  It means not to disparage, discourage, or prevent others from using their gifts.  Humility is to practice excellence whether we are a craftsman, an artist, a teacher, a caretaker, a farmer, an engineer, a mother and father, a musician, an actor, a maintenance worker and share those gifts with others.  It means to be joyful in our individual and unique gifts knowing that we are all equal before the eyes of God.  Magis is when we maximize our gifts working in concert with each other knowing when we do, there are no limits to what we can accomplish with the grace of God.

Ray of Light

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  John 1:5 

“There is no darkness so dense, so menacing, or so difficult that it cannot be overcome by light.”Vern P. Stanfill

Today I went to see the last Star Wars movie – the Rise of Skywalker before it leaves my local theater.  As with other movies of my childhood, Star Wars is nostalgic for me from a time when my life was sheltered.  And a reminder how the characters have aged like me, and some have passed on leaving indelible memories in my mind.   Now that I am older, I can look back and see how the conflict between light and darkness, good and evil has affected my life and the world around me.  And it seems today, more than at any other time in my life, a sense of a growing darkness is present and as in the movie we seem on a precipice of doom and there is a need to come together to defeat the darkness.  

In the lead up scene to the climax of the movie, Leia sacrifices her son Kylo and her own life to ensure Rey prevails in a death fight with Kylo. But then Rey shares her life energy with Kylo to save him.  This was an act of love by Rey for Leia, who had always believed in Rey’s soul although Leia knew the Sith Emperor was Rey’s grandfather.  In the climax, Rey draws upon the light sabers of Luke and Leia crossed together to channel all of the Jedi’s energy who had come before her, in order to defeat the Sith Emperor’s unleashed dark force.  Kylo then sacrifices himself transferring his life force to restore Rey who had died channeling the light of the Jedi.  Rey assumes the Skywalker name, a testimony to the life force of Kylo within her, and Luke and Leia who had loved her too.  This is a story of how love between souls can overcome any physical blood ties within a family.  When there is hope, love prevails over evil which seeks to isolate us from each other.  

Although the Skywalker name most familiar to us as the protagonists in the Star Wars movie, it is originally an Algonquin Indian name for someone who walks in the sky with spirits.  The movie is based on an unseen force or spirit within the universe or sky that can be channeled for healing or destruction. The movie asks us, do we have within us and collectively, the ability to transform our world with our thoughts, not solely by our actions? Is it the same life force that pervades the Star Wars universe?

In the end of the movie, Rey buries the blue light sabers of Luke and Leia and unleashes her own saber which is now pure white light.  The movie was a reminder for me that love is indeed the most powerful force in the Universe, and that good will prevail if we come together in a ray of light.  

Free Will and Our Government

“Once there is a distance between you and your thought process, a new freedom is born. With this freedom, a new perception arises.”  - Sadhguru

My definitions of free and will for this discussion.  

Free – to be unconstrained or without influence

Will – intended outcome

In a recent Raise the Bar meeting where members of our community to come together to discuss topics, I actually enraged another group member by saying that our social, physical and economic environments are a more powerful influence on our behaviors than our individual will.  My statement was based upon reading behavior studies and my observations that our society is exhibiting outcomes such as increasing obesity, higher suicide rates, lower life expectancy, that are symptoms that our underlying environments are not healthy.  He believed by stating this I was abdicating personal responsibility for my actions which I was not. 

In the United States I believe we have two competing narratives of America that underlie our thought processes and actions.   For some Americans their beliefs are strongly rooted in the westward spirit of the pioneers and open spaces.  They believe that government regulations and laws prevent or limit us from exercising our individual choices and that increasing government intervention is destroying our country’s heritage and our free will.   They believe free will is stronger than our environments.

Other Americans, some of whom have historically been marginalized see our social, physical and economic environments limit our ability to individually choose and laws and regulations are necessary to reverse this trend.  They believe they are not free to exercise their own will.  

  

In the second view, Americans perceive that greed and the corporation incentive to increase short term profits is destroying our country and individual freedoms because corporations ignore other stakeholders’ interests.  For instance, if the American government does not enact environmental regulations, companies will not voluntarily reduce pollutants because the equipment or processes will increase their costs and reduce their profits.  Another example is the supersizing of meals and drinks by the restaurant industry.  At some point, a restaurant chain starting introduced larger drinks and to compete, other restaurants followed suit.  Plastics, an amazing invention, has proliferated without considering the consequences to our planet.  Social media has powerful influences on our behaviors, but social media companies don’t want to limit their profits so self-regulation does not occur.  As the opioid epidemic shows us, pharmaceutical companies and distributors and doctors will push a product for profits regardless of the impact on Americans.  These examples don't begin to address the physical and social environment in low income zip codes.

Americans in the first narrative say that when it comes to individual freedoms, no one should control how much sugar or social media we consume.  The problem is, even with whole capitalistic industries devoted to telling us individually how we should eat or that monitor social media, Americans have to work very hard to overcome the systems and environment.  We are losing the battle in our society and it has impacts all of us such as rising healthcare costs and suicide rates by teenagers.  Studies show changing the environment is the solution, not primarily focusing on changing individual behaviors.

Until we really discuss these two different views and come to an understanding we will be locked in a political debate without a resolution.  There is truth in both arguments, but there needs to be reconciliation and collaboration on how to change our social, physical, and economic systems to achieve the outcomes we desire.  This starts with understanding as a country we are very short sighted.  We need our government to work with companies on a coordinated long-term vision and plan for our country and work together to achieve it.  China’s influence and economic power is growing because their dictatorship is driving changes, but our greatness lies in our freedom and our ability to come together in times of crisis.  

Without central goals and planning and individual Americans and corporations committed to achieving those goals we would never have won World War II.  It took a strong federal government.   However, with our government frequently changing parties and the influence of big money in politics, long-term goals set by one administration can quickly be reversed undermining long term goals.  We need to get big money out of politics in order to bring a consensus of the will of the majority to our government. 

We also need to understand a capitalistic system where corporate profits and stockholders interests are primary and other stakeholder interests are secondary, the incentives need to be modified and how we do that needs to be discussed by the best minds. We need to change the incentives within all our systems to align our behaviors with our goals. We also have to acknowledge the strength of innovation and free will that underlies the history of our nation and that we are at our greatest when we aspire to something greater than ourselves.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God (who is love), indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Life and Death Consequences

The need to remember my parents and their sacrifices as members of the military and the Greatest Generation comes during the holidays and especially in the current political climate.  I know a lot has changed due to technology and our modes of communication, but I think several new generations are now removed from the memory of what it took to unify and sacrifice in order to win World War II while still reeling from the effects of the Great Depression.  I know my parents’ generation eventually benefited from changes in our society when education and pay was more evenly distributed and they could improve their life.  But what disturbs me is that some of the members of my family as well as others say they only care about results.  They say they do not care how a leader behaves or demonstrates values.  I have to say it often comes from those who have never been in the position of leadership and therefore have had no experience with “skin in the game.” 

Our leaders have always been imperfect, but our attitudes about how a leader should behave is essential to the survival of the country and the world.  This is because I believe values flow from a God that is loving and righteous.  One nation under God who is love and who has granted us our freedom, but with the responsibility for our attitudes and actions. Actions that model integrity, respect, compassion, humility, sacrifice, and discipline are the foundation of our country modeled by the military and others like my parents and are the true reflection of a loving God. 

As civilians we may not understand and respect the one percent of the population who serve in the military.  Why? Because someone hugging the American flag at the same time accusing others of their lack of patriotism  because they kneel during the national anthem in protest of injustice, but then fail to model the values of a loving God is the one actually disrespectful of our nation’s flag and military. 

In a recent opinion piece in the Washington Post, former Secretary of the Navy Spencer stated the facts and said that the intervention by the President in the Navy’s process for self-discipline based on the Seal member advocating his case with Fox News was unprecedented.  He believes it is important that members of the Navy and Seal Force evaluate their behaviors and hold their own teams accountable because they understand the conditions and conduct necessary to be the best military in the world. He states what makes our military the most effective in the world is their actions are consistent with the values of our nation.   Secretary Spencer says the President does not understand the discipline and process required.  I suspect this is because he has observed the emotional, divisive, self-promotional, unethical and inconsistent  behavior of the President.  

I believe in the power of God, who is love, has granted us the freedom to make decisions for ourselves, but those decisions have consequences.   The mark of a great leader is they admit their mistakes and show humility to others while working to unify the population to create a vision and future for our country and the world.  How can you unify a country without actions consistent with those values?  How can you build trust with others if you do not model these behaviors?  I do not believe we can.  We are in an important crossroads in our country.  We must remember that we are one nation under God who is love and act according to the values our country is founded on or we will fail as a nation and a world.   There are unimaginable life and death consequences if we do not.

Dreams and the Power of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the final form of love."

I have a print of a mother and little girl outside a house in Monet’s Garden in Givenchy that I have owned almost thirty years and is my favorite piece of art. When I first saw it, I thought it was beautiful, but I didn’t know why except that I was drawn to the shades of blue, yellow, red and green of the garden and house.  As the years have passed, I have let go of other favorite art pieces purchased later, their relevance and meaning fading with the changes in my life, but not this print.  

Our lives are tied up in lost or unrealized dreams and they speak to us in many ways even when we are unaware.   The night before I turned 59 as I thought about the Monet print, my life unfolded before me in a reel within my mind as I remembered my choices and the consequences, I cried. I had dreams of being a mother, but the dream came too late in my life to have children.  In reviewing the events in my life, I knew I chose unwisely who I married in my twenties. I was also caught up in circumstances outside of my control that consumed my late twenties and thirties.  But I wondered if I had chosen a different path in college and my early twenties and followed my heart which is the love of the humanities, perhaps God would have opened the door for my soulmate and children?   If God had been my focus in my early adulthood would I have known the person within myself who is creative and loving instead of the perfectionist with a need for control and achievement?  

In growing closer to God, I have learned to separate my behavior that I am responsible for from judgments and imposed consequences on my life by others that are unfair and have put my life and health at risk.  I have become proficient at looking at a situation from multiple perspectives so that I understand the possible motivations of others and to try to find peace with my own thoughts and actions.  I have also learned I am responsible for my own lack of wellbeing when I chose not to walk away and let go of a vision and outcome so that God can  send new dreams for my life and open doors.  But sometimes I have let go and I am moving forward, something happens to remind me of my original vision.  I am never sure what  is behind the reminder and I wonder if someone is behind it with a purpose, whether it is a message from God  of joy or if the message is just random and I need to ignore it and remember the vision is behind a closed door.

I have been thinking a lot about God’s forgiveness recently.  In my life people intentionally have tried to break my spirit, make me question my sanity, or hurt me through others.  I know I am not alone in this feeling.  I believe actions taken by others with a vicious intent who now seek forgiveness, first need to ask forgiveness from God.  Only God for whom nothing can be hidden including what is present in our hearts can free us.   Until we take responsibility for our own sins and choices before God knowing only, he has the real power to show mercy and grace, no real reconciliation and forgiveness can occur from others especially those close to us.  Although many would not agree with me because they don’t believe in God or his righteousness, I know this to be true.  I believe only with the love and grace of God working with us and within us, can we move past our human imperfection and right our behavior.  

When we ask forgiveness, let go of the outcome, and acknowledge closed doors, God can transform our past mistakes and dreams into a reality as beautiful as Monet’s home and garden in Givenchy.  That is the power of God’s forgiveness and grace.